I have been obsessed with Artie Lange. Google him if you want to read some fucked up shit with drugs and gambling. Anyways, he's a really funny guy (Mad TV, Dirty Work, Beer League) I read his book (Thanks Conway) and I loved it. This is a little bit that I loved and wanted to share. Its kinda long, but you'll get the idea of how he writes. The following is from the book Too Fat To Fish.
I booked a small part in Jerry Maguire and shot a scene with Tom Cruise and Kelly Preston, both of whom were total douchebags. It was the scene in which their two characters break up and she punches him in the face. It's at the NFL Draft, and I play an annoying radio guy who interrupts this moment they're having and says "Hey, Jerry, good to see you! Tom Jackson from WHDZ here. Are you going to the Big Tequila volleyball tournament later? It's gonna be great!" Then Tom Cruise gives me a fuck-off look, I pause, realize that I am being an asshole, and kind of creep away. It was funny, awkward, jokey moment in that scene that didn't make it.
It probably would have been a forgettable moment, but what I'll never forget is how fucking insanely rude Tom Cruise and Kelly Preston were. This is before he started couch jumping, but let me tell you, that guy Cruise was already nuttier than a fruitcake. He had this thing about getting his energy to the perfect place before he did a scene, and he would ramp up by jumping rope. He had some guy, who was on the payroll for the film, standing there holding his jump rope off set. Cruise would jump rope with that insane grin of his face until he was ready, then he'd signal to Cameron Crowe, toss his rope, step in the scene, Crowe would yell "Action," and Cruise would go right into it. It was incredibly distracting--and I only had two fucking lines to say to the guy! While I was standing there watching this nonsense, I kept wondering what the fuck he did to ramp up for a love scene.
Anyway, we did the scene maybe twenty times, and even though I was standing literally five feet from those two, once Cameron Crowe stopped the scene and the production guys went about moving the cameras and stuff, which would take anywhere from two to twenty minutes, neither of those fuckers would acknowledge my existence. No eye contact, nothing. I tried to make small talk, and Kelly Preston acted like she didn't hear me. And it's not like either of them was playing some difficult character where they couldn't break their focus. Please, they were reciting lines, that was it. Neither one is Laurence Olivier. I did almost punch Tom Cruise, which I probably should have-- it might have knocked some sense into that lunatic. I've always shown respect for my writers and their hard work by making sure that when I perform anything, I do the script as written. Particularly in a big-budget movie directed by a guy as cool as Cameron Crowe, I made damn sure that I had my lines memorized correctly. Now, Cruise is the kind if guy who likes to change the dialogue that morning in the makeup chair with no regard for anyone, from the director to the screenwriter to anybody else in the world, who on average are probably a lot smarter than he is. So Cruise had changed what he was going to say and how he was going to play the scene and no one had informed me. Whatever I was doing by sticking to the script was severely going against his pacing, and judging by the whole jumping-rope bullshit, pacing was a big deal to that nutjob. We did a few takes and on each one he seemed to be getting more and more steamed, but he wouldn't look me in the eye or talk to me between takes to tell me what the problem was. He'd only talk to Cameron and say things like: "Cameron, that take was off, the timing is wrong."
Finally, he just exploded. He looked at me and screamed, "Can you come in quicker, please?!" Everyone got real quiet and looked at me in disgust.
Cameron called for a break and pulled me aside.
"Listen, man, it's not you," he said. "You're doing it exactly as written. Let me go talk to him. He changed his part, so doing it according to the script is throwing him off. You're doing a great job. Just come in quicker, and it'll all be okay."
"Of course, no problem," I said. "I wish I'd known. I'm so sorry I upset him." Not too sorry to punch his fucking dumb grin into the back of his head, however.
Once Cameron got Tom back on set, we did the scene according to Tom's invisible pacing mater and that was it, I was done.
What a legendary moment in my acting career. To Cruise's credit, at the end of the take he yelled, "Thank you!" at me.
Kelly Preston wasn't any better. She chit-chatted with Tom between takes, but I might as well have been a tree with a pile of dogshit at the base of it. Her elitist attitude extended to every facet of her existence, by the way, which I'd found out the day before. I'd make friends with one of the P.A.'s, and we were playing catch outside the location. As anyone who has ever had anything to do with the production of a feature film can tell you, there is a hell of a lot of downtime. So me and this guy were tossing a baseball when this little dark-haired kid, probably about four years old, came running toward me, so I rolled the ball to him. He picked it up and was kind of staring at it and looking at us, when out of nowhere, like some kind of Aryan superhero, this insanely hot, tall blonde ran over.
"Vat are you doing?" she snapped at me. "You could have keelled him!"
"What are you talking about?" I said. "We just rolled the ball over to him. What's your problem?"
"You threw it at him!" As she was saying all of this she pulled the ball out of the kid's hand, tossed it on the ground like it was a stick of dynamite, and pick him up really fast. The kid got scared, more from her roughhousing than anything we did, and started to cry.
"See what you've done!" she said.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I said.
"We're really sorry ma'am," my friend said. "It won't happen again." He gave me a look that said, Shut up, now.
"It had better not. No one is to speak to or touch Jett." Then she turned and stormed off with the now bawling kid in her arms.
"Jett?" I said, laughing. "Who the fuck names a kid Jett?"
"John Travolta and Kelly Preston do, man," my friend said.
Apparently all of the P.A.'s had been given very strict instructions on how to interact with Jett, Kelly, and when he came to the set, John. Let me tell you, playing ball with any of them was definitely not on the rider. Treating them like outer-space royalty apparently was.
"You don't understand, man, this is really, really bad," the guy told me. "We are under strict orders not to talk to them, look at them, hand them anything. And their kid is so off-limits you have no idea. We'll be lucky if we last the day here." Turns out we were lucky.
...
Friday, June 12, 2009
NBA Jam (He's on fire!!)
Yo!
It is a beautiful day today in the GTA (Great Toronto Area for you west coast fags) Sunny and warm. Coolio.
So since I last left you two weeks or so ago I was still in search of a place to live.
That has not changed much. I am subletting this place for the month, but after that I'm on my own again. I have met a few really nice and cool people that are also looking at getting a place. Grant Waters (aka G-balls) has a friend RJ that is looking. So we may look at a two bedroom. I haven't heard from him in a while, so for now I am still looking at a one bedroom/bachelor.
I am getting used to the big city. The transit system is pretty fucking good here. You can get anywhere on public transit in the downtown core. Its great. So the more and more i get to know the area, the more and more places i can see myself living. At first i wanted to live right downtown, which as I found out is very expensive. So now that I know the area a little better I can look at some more places. One cool thing about the GTA is that every five or six blocks there is a new 'section' or 'district'. I'll give you an example. I am living in the heart of the " fashion district". I know what your thinking. Perfect fit. My stylish clothes and cool hair cut make me blend right in. NOT. I was riding the elevator, (I'm on the 6th floor) it was me and three other people. Like any classic elevator ride, nobody said shit. I looked at the dude next to me, he was dressed up so fancy. His shoes must have cost more then my computer. He was all professional looking with an ironed shirt and shit. Fuck him. The two chicks in the elevator were wearing nice dresses, (not slutty like i was hoping) They had fancy make up and crazy shoes and hair. Then there was me. A fat sweaty dude wearing a red beacon IPA beer T-shirt and wilson sweat pants. Classy dude I am.
Anyway, back to the point. There are cool little communities everywhere. Little Italy, the Annex, little Portugal, the entertainment district. You get the point. Its pretty cool and keeps everyone guessing whats coming next. I'm looking to see if they have a "don't have a job in the world district". So far i haven't found it.
I went to Canada's Wonderland the other day. It's a huge theme park with 15 roller coasters and all the games you can handle. It was pretty intense. I hate rides but i ended up going on almost all of them. There is a video my friend Lindsay posted on facebook of all of us on the biggest coaster they had. I went on it four times. Pretty awesome.
I went to check out Grants band 'In plain view'. He plays the drums does back up vocals and his buddy plays guitar and sings. They are fuckin' awesome, super chill. They have only played two shows now, but you can tell they have a good thing going. Grants brother, Morgan, also came out to watch. For those who don't know Morgan, he is a very funny and successful dude here in Toronto. He has been on two shows on CBC, including 'The Morgan Waters show' (clever name) and wrote and starred in a show called Cock'd Gunns on Showcase. If that's not enough, he's in a band called Sweet thing (or something very close to that). They got signed not to long ago and he's going to LA to record his first album. Needless to say, the guy is awesome and had some pretty cool advise for me. I'll break it down as follows.
The best thing I can do for my comedy is just start doing it. Start going to comedy clubs, check them out and find one that I really like. He said that there are two types of comedy scenes in Toronto, the mainstream (Yuk Yuks and such) and the underground. The underground is more experimental and raw, which is right up my ally. He said to just go and hang out. I don't have to go up right away, but go and figure out what works and what doesn't. There are lots of amateur nights and all I'd need is a five minute bit (The story of Doc and I anyone?). His friend opened up a new club here, and he says its been awesome. His buddy is the fat dude in the casino commercial who is giving himself a tattoo in the mirror "Umm... Its back words".. "No it isn't..." that dude. He went to a comedy school out here that is a two year program. Again, Morgan said that I could learn more just going out and doing it rather then paying for school. It really made a lot of sense to me. It really hit home. Sure I can go to school and pay lots of money, but the skills that I need are ones that really can't be taught. In my opinion, you can't teach comedic timing. That shit comes from within. A full time program to me would be a waste of time I think. I know what I want to do, and I just have to do it. This is the way I see it. Some virgin is out there, wanting to get laid. He signs up for a one year program for $5500 bucks. They teach how to pick up ladies, how to talk to them, all the shit he's going to need. But when that program is over, he's still going to be a virgin and he's still going to have to go out and get laid! Am I right? If the dude spent all that time and money trying to fucking chicks, he'd be a player. Maybe its not the best analogy but it makes sense. The thing that I am scared of the most (not sex... doing stand-up... ok sex too) is all I have to focus on.
Now that being said, I am still going to go to Second City. Its really cool because its part time, and it will give me some tools that I can use. The big thing I want help on is writing jokes. If I can master that, I have an endless supply of material. That would be fucking awesome.
But Morgan is right. I just have to do it. You can take all the school you want, but real life experience is way better and way cheaper (ask the virgin)
I am going to the Comedy club that Morgan suggested on Sunday. I'm already nervous even tho I'm not preforming. I feel its one more step I am taking in the right direction. As Dr. Leo Marvin said... Baby steps Bob... Baby steps.
Peace.
It is a beautiful day today in the GTA (Great Toronto Area for you west coast fags) Sunny and warm. Coolio.
So since I last left you two weeks or so ago I was still in search of a place to live.
That has not changed much. I am subletting this place for the month, but after that I'm on my own again. I have met a few really nice and cool people that are also looking at getting a place. Grant Waters (aka G-balls) has a friend RJ that is looking. So we may look at a two bedroom. I haven't heard from him in a while, so for now I am still looking at a one bedroom/bachelor.
I am getting used to the big city. The transit system is pretty fucking good here. You can get anywhere on public transit in the downtown core. Its great. So the more and more i get to know the area, the more and more places i can see myself living. At first i wanted to live right downtown, which as I found out is very expensive. So now that I know the area a little better I can look at some more places. One cool thing about the GTA is that every five or six blocks there is a new 'section' or 'district'. I'll give you an example. I am living in the heart of the " fashion district". I know what your thinking. Perfect fit. My stylish clothes and cool hair cut make me blend right in. NOT. I was riding the elevator, (I'm on the 6th floor) it was me and three other people. Like any classic elevator ride, nobody said shit. I looked at the dude next to me, he was dressed up so fancy. His shoes must have cost more then my computer. He was all professional looking with an ironed shirt and shit. Fuck him. The two chicks in the elevator were wearing nice dresses, (not slutty like i was hoping) They had fancy make up and crazy shoes and hair. Then there was me. A fat sweaty dude wearing a red beacon IPA beer T-shirt and wilson sweat pants. Classy dude I am.
Anyway, back to the point. There are cool little communities everywhere. Little Italy, the Annex, little Portugal, the entertainment district. You get the point. Its pretty cool and keeps everyone guessing whats coming next. I'm looking to see if they have a "don't have a job in the world district". So far i haven't found it.
I went to Canada's Wonderland the other day. It's a huge theme park with 15 roller coasters and all the games you can handle. It was pretty intense. I hate rides but i ended up going on almost all of them. There is a video my friend Lindsay posted on facebook of all of us on the biggest coaster they had. I went on it four times. Pretty awesome.
I went to check out Grants band 'In plain view'. He plays the drums does back up vocals and his buddy plays guitar and sings. They are fuckin' awesome, super chill. They have only played two shows now, but you can tell they have a good thing going. Grants brother, Morgan, also came out to watch. For those who don't know Morgan, he is a very funny and successful dude here in Toronto. He has been on two shows on CBC, including 'The Morgan Waters show' (clever name) and wrote and starred in a show called Cock'd Gunns on Showcase. If that's not enough, he's in a band called Sweet thing (or something very close to that). They got signed not to long ago and he's going to LA to record his first album. Needless to say, the guy is awesome and had some pretty cool advise for me. I'll break it down as follows.
The best thing I can do for my comedy is just start doing it. Start going to comedy clubs, check them out and find one that I really like. He said that there are two types of comedy scenes in Toronto, the mainstream (Yuk Yuks and such) and the underground. The underground is more experimental and raw, which is right up my ally. He said to just go and hang out. I don't have to go up right away, but go and figure out what works and what doesn't. There are lots of amateur nights and all I'd need is a five minute bit (The story of Doc and I anyone?). His friend opened up a new club here, and he says its been awesome. His buddy is the fat dude in the casino commercial who is giving himself a tattoo in the mirror "Umm... Its back words".. "No it isn't..." that dude. He went to a comedy school out here that is a two year program. Again, Morgan said that I could learn more just going out and doing it rather then paying for school. It really made a lot of sense to me. It really hit home. Sure I can go to school and pay lots of money, but the skills that I need are ones that really can't be taught. In my opinion, you can't teach comedic timing. That shit comes from within. A full time program to me would be a waste of time I think. I know what I want to do, and I just have to do it. This is the way I see it. Some virgin is out there, wanting to get laid. He signs up for a one year program for $5500 bucks. They teach how to pick up ladies, how to talk to them, all the shit he's going to need. But when that program is over, he's still going to be a virgin and he's still going to have to go out and get laid! Am I right? If the dude spent all that time and money trying to fucking chicks, he'd be a player. Maybe its not the best analogy but it makes sense. The thing that I am scared of the most (not sex... doing stand-up... ok sex too) is all I have to focus on.
Now that being said, I am still going to go to Second City. Its really cool because its part time, and it will give me some tools that I can use. The big thing I want help on is writing jokes. If I can master that, I have an endless supply of material. That would be fucking awesome.
But Morgan is right. I just have to do it. You can take all the school you want, but real life experience is way better and way cheaper (ask the virgin)
I am going to the Comedy club that Morgan suggested on Sunday. I'm already nervous even tho I'm not preforming. I feel its one more step I am taking in the right direction. As Dr. Leo Marvin said... Baby steps Bob... Baby steps.
Peace.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Oh Boy
Hey guys.
I'm sorry for the lack of updates. I have been living in an apartment with no Internet or TV. Good news is that I just got the net hooked up!! SWEET!
I hope to continue a regular blog now.
Things have been good here. I am subletting this place for the month of June. I did have a place lined up for July but the landlord is a cock smoker so that didn't pan out.
I've really been doing nothing the last seven days. I have watched a lot of movies and hung out with my friends here. (yes i have friends!)
I have watched the following movies in the past week. (in no order)
Waynes world 1 and 2.
Beer league
Knocked up
Mean street
Fast times at ridgemont high
Casino
Eddie murphy raw
Old school
The island
The bone collector
Lord of the rings
Rounders (twice)
Garden state
Dogma
Con Air
I think there are a few more but i cannot remember.
I've also watched lots of Family guy and South park.
So needless to say i ve been very bored. No Internet plus no cable = LOTS OF MOVIES.
Ok, I hope everyone is doing well. Let me know how you are by leaving a comment on a blog. I love reading them.
I will write a real blog either later tonight or tomorrow.
Its good to be back.
:)
I'm sorry for the lack of updates. I have been living in an apartment with no Internet or TV. Good news is that I just got the net hooked up!! SWEET!
I hope to continue a regular blog now.
Things have been good here. I am subletting this place for the month of June. I did have a place lined up for July but the landlord is a cock smoker so that didn't pan out.
I've really been doing nothing the last seven days. I have watched a lot of movies and hung out with my friends here. (yes i have friends!)
I have watched the following movies in the past week. (in no order)
Waynes world 1 and 2.
Beer league
Knocked up
Mean street
Fast times at ridgemont high
Casino
Eddie murphy raw
Old school
The island
The bone collector
Lord of the rings
Rounders (twice)
Garden state
Dogma
Con Air
I think there are a few more but i cannot remember.
I've also watched lots of Family guy and South park.
So needless to say i ve been very bored. No Internet plus no cable = LOTS OF MOVIES.
Ok, I hope everyone is doing well. Let me know how you are by leaving a comment on a blog. I love reading them.
I will write a real blog either later tonight or tomorrow.
Its good to be back.
:)
Thursday, May 28, 2009
late night ramble
Do you ever have a night where you just can't sleep because your mind is racing? I do. This is the result.
My adventure itself is something to behold. I have no fucking idea what the fuck is going to happen next. I know that this isn't an easy way to go about life. I also know many people that could not do what I did. I don't blame them. I must have a very strong belief that good will happen if I can just quit my job, move away from home, my friends and my family.
I do believe. I believe something great will come of this. I suppose the best part is that I really don't know what it's going to be. Seems to be my life story.
I remember working for lighthouse brewery, delivering beer downtown Victoria. I would have about twenty five or thirty stops a day. Needless to say, I was interacting with lots of people everyday. Now my job was by no means glamorous, but it was pretty decent. I got to drive around all day and deliver fucking beer. Some of my fellow beer driving friends did not feel the same why I did. I'd always run into the other beer delivery dudes around town. The main dudes I would see were from the other local brewery's, however there were a few union, big company beer guys that visited regularly as well. Those guys were classic. I had to hand bomb all my beer off my truck. These guy had it so easy, or so I thought. They had power everything. A power gate, a power jack, and power depression, The following is a monologue from a large man, from one of the large union breweries.
"Fuck man, I fucking hate doing this fucking stop." He takes a drag from his cigarette as we both stand behind the liquor store.
"Fuck this shit man. This is fucking shitty. I hate this job man, i really do. My back is fucked... My knee is really fucked. I bust my ass all day for this shit. Do you know how many kegs I had to deliver today? ?? 86. 86 mother fucking kegs on my truck this morning. Fuck that man. I don't have a fucking swamper or nothing. I did a 28 keg drop at Irish times today. That's a lot man. That sucks. I hate it when i have to do that shit man. That's another shitty fucking stop. Fucking Irish times. They go through so much fucking beer every fucking week. Fuck them man. And fucking St.Patricks day is fucking coming up soon, that will be a another week in fucking hell for me. Fucking hate st.Patrick's day. Fuck.... So... How is your day going?
How the fuck do I follow that?
"It's fine... It's fine"
Anyways, that gives you an idea of some of the weird and fucked up people i met. And that dude was a nice enough guy, don't get me wrong, he just hated his job. I remember something else he and the others would say that really disturbed me.
"I'm just living the dream man, living the dream."
I'd hear that line from a lot of people in one day. They all truly hated their jobs. They were not living their dream. That made me sick.
I do not want to become this miserable person. That is one of the reasons I was able to pack up and leave everything, and everyone behind. It was not easy, but something I had to do for myself. Whatever lies ahead must surely be beautiful if I am truly living my dream.
I know I am very lucky. Not everyone is in the position to just pack up and do whatever they want like I did. Most people have very important shit going on. They have boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives. Houses and condos, kids and school. Cats and dogs, a loan and a pool. I have nothing but love and respect for these people. I know I could lead a great life right now if I had a wife and a kid. My dreams of being a funny man would fade into wanting to watch my child grow old. I think that it would happen naturally. But for now I have no wife, no kid, and not a lot of responsibility. So my childhood dream lives on. Here I am.
My adventure itself is something to behold. I have no fucking idea what the fuck is going to happen next. I know that this isn't an easy way to go about life. I also know many people that could not do what I did. I don't blame them. I must have a very strong belief that good will happen if I can just quit my job, move away from home, my friends and my family.
I do believe. I believe something great will come of this. I suppose the best part is that I really don't know what it's going to be. Seems to be my life story.
I remember working for lighthouse brewery, delivering beer downtown Victoria. I would have about twenty five or thirty stops a day. Needless to say, I was interacting with lots of people everyday. Now my job was by no means glamorous, but it was pretty decent. I got to drive around all day and deliver fucking beer. Some of my fellow beer driving friends did not feel the same why I did. I'd always run into the other beer delivery dudes around town. The main dudes I would see were from the other local brewery's, however there were a few union, big company beer guys that visited regularly as well. Those guys were classic. I had to hand bomb all my beer off my truck. These guy had it so easy, or so I thought. They had power everything. A power gate, a power jack, and power depression, The following is a monologue from a large man, from one of the large union breweries.
"Fuck man, I fucking hate doing this fucking stop." He takes a drag from his cigarette as we both stand behind the liquor store.
"Fuck this shit man. This is fucking shitty. I hate this job man, i really do. My back is fucked... My knee is really fucked. I bust my ass all day for this shit. Do you know how many kegs I had to deliver today? ?? 86. 86 mother fucking kegs on my truck this morning. Fuck that man. I don't have a fucking swamper or nothing. I did a 28 keg drop at Irish times today. That's a lot man. That sucks. I hate it when i have to do that shit man. That's another shitty fucking stop. Fucking Irish times. They go through so much fucking beer every fucking week. Fuck them man. And fucking St.Patricks day is fucking coming up soon, that will be a another week in fucking hell for me. Fucking hate st.Patrick's day. Fuck.... So... How is your day going?
How the fuck do I follow that?
"It's fine... It's fine"
Anyways, that gives you an idea of some of the weird and fucked up people i met. And that dude was a nice enough guy, don't get me wrong, he just hated his job. I remember something else he and the others would say that really disturbed me.
"I'm just living the dream man, living the dream."
I'd hear that line from a lot of people in one day. They all truly hated their jobs. They were not living their dream. That made me sick.
I do not want to become this miserable person. That is one of the reasons I was able to pack up and leave everything, and everyone behind. It was not easy, but something I had to do for myself. Whatever lies ahead must surely be beautiful if I am truly living my dream.
I know I am very lucky. Not everyone is in the position to just pack up and do whatever they want like I did. Most people have very important shit going on. They have boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives. Houses and condos, kids and school. Cats and dogs, a loan and a pool. I have nothing but love and respect for these people. I know I could lead a great life right now if I had a wife and a kid. My dreams of being a funny man would fade into wanting to watch my child grow old. I think that it would happen naturally. But for now I have no wife, no kid, and not a lot of responsibility. So my childhood dream lives on. Here I am.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Lake Winnipesaukee
Yeah, so i walked around a lot day 3. All the apartments around that area are around 1500-3000 a month. Just a hair higher then I can afford. It's a nice area and my school is just down the road, but I'd have to look elsewhere for a place. I went back to the hostel after Grant and I had a few beers after the walk to 'cool down'. I was in my room reading my book "Too Fat to Fish" by Artie Lang, which is an amazing book that I'll talk about later, when the door to my room opened and someone walked in. Shitty. She was some chick from Australia who was in town for one night to attend a 'conference'. What the fuck kind of conference drags your ass 20 hours on a plane from the other side of the planet for ONE DAY. I hope it was worth it lady. Anyways, and much more importantly, for the first time at the hostel i had to sleep with someone in the room. Cooool. It really wasn't that bad. She was very nice, i remember this conversation around 11pm that night.
By the way, I totally claimed the bottom bunk even though when I checked in I was assigned the top. Fuck that. Who sleeps on the top bunk when there is nobody sleeping on the bottom?
Ok, so here it is. The Lady talking from the TOP bunk while I'm reading my book down below.
Lady: (imagine some crazy Aussie accent from a little nerdy redhead) So, you can just turn the light off wheneva you want to go a sleep.
Me: Umm.. what? You can turn the light off if you're going to sleep, i don't mind.
Lady: No no, you just do what you want. I'll be alright.
Me: I really don't mind... uhh.. i don't know....
Lady: No no, you just do your thing, I'll just read
Me: Okie Dokie...
So, I had no idea what to do. I wasn't really tired and was really into my book (wow, I'm a homo) I knew by her tone that she wanted to sleep, after all she did have a minor day of traveling around the fucking world. To make matters worse, the rooms weren't exactly what I would call spacious. The only light in the room was about two feet above here face. Not the best of sleeping conditions. So I ended up reading my book for what i told myself was only going to be five more minutes. What I didn't account for was that Artie telling his fucked up life story would keep me awake much longer then five mintues. I'd think I probably read for about another hour at least before I put the book down. I hadn't heard a whole lot of action above me, and when I stood up the turn the light off the lady was fast asleep, and that light was as bright as can be. She probably seriously hurt her retina or optic nerve or some shit.
Lady took off in the morning, and I fell back asleep. I slept all day long. I had some sort of cold or something, I felt like shit for three days. It was alright. So after three nights only once was someone else in my room. I felt like a genius. And I am apparently because i lucked out the night next three nights as well. Where else can you get a private bed for 25 bucks a night in downtown Toronto? I'll tell you.
The next day I went to check out some places to live. I called this dude Eric who clearly had some sort of name change or something because he had one the thickest Chinese accents Ive ever heard. His place was in the heart of China town. I like China town. It's crazy and full markets on the side walks and everyone buys fruits and vegetables. Every fucking person in china town buys fucking fruits and vegetables. Its crazy. It must be some sort of law. After I passed the parade of veggies I found the place about block later. No address on the door. Not a great first impression, but thanks to my pizza delivering days, and a little common sense, i knew it was the right place. (im a good counter) I checked the place out. Eric was a nice dude, but the place i looked at had no windows. Not exactly what I'm looking. So he said he had a few more units available to rent. I checked two more, both still had no fucking windows. I asked him how many places are for rent in this place, because it really was that big. He told that six places are available. Fuckin place only had 7 or 8 units. So I shipped outta there real quick. The next place i checked was a basement suite with a 6'1 ceiling. Perfect!
Going 0 for 2 on my search so far, I was pretty sure number three would be a smash.
I took the street car all the way past Yonge and Dundas to see my next place. Now, Yonge and Dundas is Toronto's version of Times Square. Its pretty neat-o. But a few blocks past it towards the east side it starts to get a little sketchy. Bums and hobos and white chicks with massive black eyes. The stop i needed to get off ended up being right in front of a strip club. Not the good kind of strip club. (Not a dude bar but I'd bet money the girls on stage are 45+ just by looking at the front door)
Anyways, I get to the place and I could tell that I was just wasting my time. I had to get escorted up the elevator to the place by the security guard. He opened the door and it confirmed my belief. Shit hole. The rooms was like 200 square feet. It had a little shitty bed, and tiny shitty fridge, and a lawn chair. That wasn't exactly what i had in mind when the add said 'FULLY FURNISHED!!" The stove looked like it was from 1875, and toilet was so close to the bath tub you could shit and wash your feet at the same time!
0 for 3.
More to come..
By the way, I totally claimed the bottom bunk even though when I checked in I was assigned the top. Fuck that. Who sleeps on the top bunk when there is nobody sleeping on the bottom?
Ok, so here it is. The Lady talking from the TOP bunk while I'm reading my book down below.
Lady: (imagine some crazy Aussie accent from a little nerdy redhead) So, you can just turn the light off wheneva you want to go a sleep.
Me: Umm.. what? You can turn the light off if you're going to sleep, i don't mind.
Lady: No no, you just do what you want. I'll be alright.
Me: I really don't mind... uhh.. i don't know....
Lady: No no, you just do your thing, I'll just read
Me: Okie Dokie...
So, I had no idea what to do. I wasn't really tired and was really into my book (wow, I'm a homo) I knew by her tone that she wanted to sleep, after all she did have a minor day of traveling around the fucking world. To make matters worse, the rooms weren't exactly what I would call spacious. The only light in the room was about two feet above here face. Not the best of sleeping conditions. So I ended up reading my book for what i told myself was only going to be five more minutes. What I didn't account for was that Artie telling his fucked up life story would keep me awake much longer then five mintues. I'd think I probably read for about another hour at least before I put the book down. I hadn't heard a whole lot of action above me, and when I stood up the turn the light off the lady was fast asleep, and that light was as bright as can be. She probably seriously hurt her retina or optic nerve or some shit.
Lady took off in the morning, and I fell back asleep. I slept all day long. I had some sort of cold or something, I felt like shit for three days. It was alright. So after three nights only once was someone else in my room. I felt like a genius. And I am apparently because i lucked out the night next three nights as well. Where else can you get a private bed for 25 bucks a night in downtown Toronto? I'll tell you.
The next day I went to check out some places to live. I called this dude Eric who clearly had some sort of name change or something because he had one the thickest Chinese accents Ive ever heard. His place was in the heart of China town. I like China town. It's crazy and full markets on the side walks and everyone buys fruits and vegetables. Every fucking person in china town buys fucking fruits and vegetables. Its crazy. It must be some sort of law. After I passed the parade of veggies I found the place about block later. No address on the door. Not a great first impression, but thanks to my pizza delivering days, and a little common sense, i knew it was the right place. (im a good counter) I checked the place out. Eric was a nice dude, but the place i looked at had no windows. Not exactly what I'm looking. So he said he had a few more units available to rent. I checked two more, both still had no fucking windows. I asked him how many places are for rent in this place, because it really was that big. He told that six places are available. Fuckin place only had 7 or 8 units. So I shipped outta there real quick. The next place i checked was a basement suite with a 6'1 ceiling. Perfect!
Going 0 for 2 on my search so far, I was pretty sure number three would be a smash.
I took the street car all the way past Yonge and Dundas to see my next place. Now, Yonge and Dundas is Toronto's version of Times Square. Its pretty neat-o. But a few blocks past it towards the east side it starts to get a little sketchy. Bums and hobos and white chicks with massive black eyes. The stop i needed to get off ended up being right in front of a strip club. Not the good kind of strip club. (Not a dude bar but I'd bet money the girls on stage are 45+ just by looking at the front door)
Anyways, I get to the place and I could tell that I was just wasting my time. I had to get escorted up the elevator to the place by the security guard. He opened the door and it confirmed my belief. Shit hole. The rooms was like 200 square feet. It had a little shitty bed, and tiny shitty fridge, and a lawn chair. That wasn't exactly what i had in mind when the add said 'FULLY FURNISHED!!" The stove looked like it was from 1875, and toilet was so close to the bath tub you could shit and wash your feet at the same time!
0 for 3.
More to come..
T O R O N T O
Hey gang. So I've had a few requests to start up the old blog. Ok.
Where do I start? How about the beginning.
I moved to Toronto on May 18th. I was staying in this hostel for my first 6 nights. Now for those who have stayed in hostels know that its not always the most comfortable of living conditions. I rented a 'double' room which is a fancy hostel term for a shitty small smelly room with a bunk bed. The double room is half the price of a single private room so i thought id try and save a few bucks. I really didn't want to sleep in a 'dorm' room that sleeps 8. That's just not my style. So, i get in my room thinking that there would be some dude sleeping in the bottom bunk, but to my surprise the room was empty. Cool! So my first night nobody joined the bunk party and i got a room all to myself! Woohoo!
I woke in the morning and walked around town. It was like 25 degrees at 9am. Fuck me. I found a little spot the has 2.99 breakfast. Now for those who have read my previous blogs from last summer know how much i fucking love 2.99 breakfast. With my expectations set higher then virgin on prom night, i ordered my breakfast with a large creepy smile. Now this breakfast said it came with two eggs, toast and hash browns. Not bad, not bad. I ordered that with a coffee and sat down ready to enjoy. When my breakfast arrived, i looked down at not the beautiful morning meal i expected, but two shitty looking scrambled egg, a shitty greasy McDonald's style hash brown, and two pieces of brown toast that were not toasted(which is not fucking toast). Now, granted I should have ordered my eggs over easy and not scrambled, but i figure the bitch that took my order could read my mind, which clearly she couldn't. I smiled awkwardly as the food was placed in front of me. I ate it... it was sub par. I will have to try another place for a good 2.99 breakfast. So far, Ottawa 1, Toronto 0.
Back to the hostel.
The second night i was also graced with the presence of nobody and got a 2nd night alone. It was awesome. I walked around a lot, looked for places to live and work. Found nothing. The third day in Toronto I met with my friend Grant. We walked around for about 6 hours. It was a freaking amazing day. We walked down lakeshore road, which oddly enough, runs along the water of Lake Ontario. Now... when the average person thinks of a lake they think of a little water mass that you can see the other side of. Maybe you could swim across, but definitely paddle a canoe across. Yeah, fucking lake Ontario is not that kind of lake. Its fucking huge, which is probably why it's one of the 'great lake' (along with lake Winnipesaukee.. dylan) There are huge mother fucking tanker ships on lake Ontario. Its crazy. There is an air strip off of Toronto Island that huge mother planes land on. I've never seen a plane land on the tarmac on langford lake. it was crazy. its not a lake, it's a small ocean.
i have to run, sorry. I'll continue day 3 soon!
good luck!
Where do I start? How about the beginning.
I moved to Toronto on May 18th. I was staying in this hostel for my first 6 nights. Now for those who have stayed in hostels know that its not always the most comfortable of living conditions. I rented a 'double' room which is a fancy hostel term for a shitty small smelly room with a bunk bed. The double room is half the price of a single private room so i thought id try and save a few bucks. I really didn't want to sleep in a 'dorm' room that sleeps 8. That's just not my style. So, i get in my room thinking that there would be some dude sleeping in the bottom bunk, but to my surprise the room was empty. Cool! So my first night nobody joined the bunk party and i got a room all to myself! Woohoo!
I woke in the morning and walked around town. It was like 25 degrees at 9am. Fuck me. I found a little spot the has 2.99 breakfast. Now for those who have read my previous blogs from last summer know how much i fucking love 2.99 breakfast. With my expectations set higher then virgin on prom night, i ordered my breakfast with a large creepy smile. Now this breakfast said it came with two eggs, toast and hash browns. Not bad, not bad. I ordered that with a coffee and sat down ready to enjoy. When my breakfast arrived, i looked down at not the beautiful morning meal i expected, but two shitty looking scrambled egg, a shitty greasy McDonald's style hash brown, and two pieces of brown toast that were not toasted(which is not fucking toast). Now, granted I should have ordered my eggs over easy and not scrambled, but i figure the bitch that took my order could read my mind, which clearly she couldn't. I smiled awkwardly as the food was placed in front of me. I ate it... it was sub par. I will have to try another place for a good 2.99 breakfast. So far, Ottawa 1, Toronto 0.
Back to the hostel.
The second night i was also graced with the presence of nobody and got a 2nd night alone. It was awesome. I walked around a lot, looked for places to live and work. Found nothing. The third day in Toronto I met with my friend Grant. We walked around for about 6 hours. It was a freaking amazing day. We walked down lakeshore road, which oddly enough, runs along the water of Lake Ontario. Now... when the average person thinks of a lake they think of a little water mass that you can see the other side of. Maybe you could swim across, but definitely paddle a canoe across. Yeah, fucking lake Ontario is not that kind of lake. Its fucking huge, which is probably why it's one of the 'great lake' (along with lake Winnipesaukee.. dylan) There are huge mother fucking tanker ships on lake Ontario. Its crazy. There is an air strip off of Toronto Island that huge mother planes land on. I've never seen a plane land on the tarmac on langford lake. it was crazy. its not a lake, it's a small ocean.
i have to run, sorry. I'll continue day 3 soon!
good luck!
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