Old October

Hello all!

It has been a while.

I have a new job, but its all really the same old shit.

Time passes when you have a 9-5 (Or in my case 8:00-4:30) Monday to Friday job. I am already getting sick of it, and I am only 24 years old. The next fifty years are going to really fucking blow at this rate.

I have been out of work and my life for a few days. I had some sort of 'general allergic reaction' a few days ago and have not been feeling well since. Nothing really serious happened, however I did experience an accelerated heart rate, anxiety and a bad case of hives. This all happened at about 8:30 am at work, so that's always embarrassing. I got to my doctors office by 10am and by that time, the itching and hives were pretty much gone. The Doc said I definitely had an allergic reaction of some sort. I went for blood tests for god knows what and haven't heard anything back yet. I'm pretty sure its cancer.

Other then being very itchy, i have not been up to much. I am starting to play ball hockey once a week with Dylan and Conway. Speaking of Conway, we are starting a hockey podcast. Email for more info at Conwayandmac@yahoo.ca or visit Http://Conwayandmac.blogspot.com


I have a feeling that Toronto cannot come fast enough. The daily grind is already getting to me as I have mentioned before. For whatever reason, I seem to be unable to cope with the regularity of life. I always seem to feel that something else is needed in order to be truly happy. Right now, the main factor is money. Although I understand the old saying, money cant buy you happiness, I do know that money could buy me a big ass fucking apartment in Toronto and let me live my dream. However I cannot help but ask if moving to Toronto is what I really need to do, or if it is just another back door. I always seem to think that I will be happier and better off if I move, or have some sort of major change. But it really all comes back to the same point.I haven't even attempted and yet I am telling myself I can do better.

I have learned several things about myself in the last few months. One being that I cannot have a job in which every day is the same. I need new and interesting happenings to keep me going. I really don't think I could sit at a computer desk and "code" all day, or at my current job, "keg washing." It is the same old shit over and over and it never ends, because they are constantly being reused and recycled. Wash the top, wash the sides, tap to the cleaning machine, flip over, start cycle, make sure kegs get hot, end cycle, flip over, repeat. All in all, it is not that difficult of a job. Almost anyone can do it, so long as you can lift about 25 pounds. (Conways out) Yet I know for a fact that if I had to do that everyday, I would last about a week tops. I cannot do it. My mind tells me that this is a bullshit job. I start thinking about how useless this is and how I am meant for so much more. By the end of the first day, it was almost enough for me not to come back. Luckily for me, my job varies almost every day. So for now, I am able to cope.

I cannot help but ask, what will it take for me to be satisfied, and after years and years of being on the cusp of it, I cannot help but wonder if I ever will be. It is easy to try and convince yourself that everything will be OK, but for how long do you listen if nothing ever changes. How long do you follow that road before you pull over and ask for directions. What if you are indeed going the wrong way, who could you trust other then yourself for directions? If i have been wrong this whole time, then who the fuck is right? If everything you know is a lie, then where does the truth begin?


Mediocre is not good enough because I have had my goals set so high. As Marshall Mathers says in 8 mile "Do you ever wonder at what point you got to stop living up here, and start living down here?"

I'm not sure Rabbit... I'm just not sure.