The Heavy

Second City lack of updates??@#?

Hello everyone!

I'm really sorry for the lack of updates. I do plan on blogging very regularly once school starts...

When does school start?

August 16th. I officially registered for my Improv and Writing courses today! I'm really excited about this and look forward to getting started. The classes are once a week for three hours. Writing is every Sunday, while Improv is every Tuesday. Both courses are the basic beginning classes that are offered. Although I have lots of Improv experience behind me, I wanted to start at the very beginning again. This way I am sure to learn the ways of the Second City style, and it will also allow me to ease into things without putting a lot of pressure on myself.

I'm not sure if I mentioned before, but I am currently uploading some videos on to YouTube.com. I plan on creating a channel so you all can watch videos as well as read the blog. I will keep everyone posted on a channel name and a link when I am ready.

Other than that not much is happening. Once school gets started my life is really going to change. I have not rushed into anything and I feel that I am ready for what is ahead. My next goal is to get a job. I have been mentioning this for a long time now, and since my school schedule is now set, I feel more comfortable than ever to start working.

So now that my life here in Toronto is set to really begin, I will surely have lots to write about. I truly love all the support I get about this blog. A giant Thank You to everyone who has read or is reading. I have a huge goal set for myself and this is all part of it. So stay tuned and keep looking back for updates, because my life is just beginning.

Quick bit

Hey guys. I just realized that picture on the right makes me look like a crazy person. Maybe I should change it.

I wrote a little comedy bit... I thought I would share it with you. If may not read that funny... but just try and picture me doing it...


yahoo news bit

anyone here been on the Internet?

yeah.. crazy shit right.

ok, so I use yahoo.com for my email. Most people have hotmail, or they use there own isp email. Not me. Im a yahoo man, have been for about 6 years now. So that means Ive been going to yahoo.com for a long time now. In this time, things have changed. Yahoo, once more famous for its shitty yet addicting game of pool, is now famous for more gossip type shit.. like tabloids, and who is in who, and who is dead.. that sort of thing. Every time i 'sign in' there are 5 different news stories, with one major headline and feature story. Its like a new modern newspaper, but like most news papers, its shitty. Its more hollywood and octo mom shit than anything else, you know?

so i never cared, and hardly ever clicked on any of that shit... i just checked my mail.

once in a while they'd have a sports article

"oh cooooooool"

but now... now they have gone too far.

since most people don't give a flying hoot about who is cool, and what is new and trendy, they had to trick us.

they trick is with headline of each story... the headline never ends up being what the real article is about. They use lots of 'quotes' and '....'

I was checking my email today.. as i do almost everyday day, when yahoo news grabbed my attention

LOCAL SCHOOL COLLAPSE KILLS THOUSANDS

OH My God

that's fucking awful.. local. how local? local to who? I click on the link, sadly awaiting gods latest cruel action.

'LOCAL SCHOOL COLLAPSE KILLS THOUSANDS.. is just one thing that could happen when the next earthquake hits..... are YOUR children SAFE?'

what?? what the fuck??

'FLYING' SQUID KILLS...

WHAT? COOL!

The "Flying" squid, which never kills anything, appears to fly underwater when it attracts a female with it's flapping tentacle mating dance...

what... what the fuck?

the best part is, on the side of the page, it has stories that relate to the one your reading, using key words..

LEARN GOOD MATING TECHNIQUES

FLYING MAN FLAPS AGAIN

LEARN TO SNORKEL... FREEE!

UNCLE BOBS DEEP FRIED SQUID RECIPE...

what the fuck???

whats going on..

it drags you in. ahhhhhhhh FUCK, I JUST WANT TO CHECK MY FUCKING E MAIL.


I just can't do it anymore...

that's why I say the Internet is on the way out. It's a thing of the past. Does anyone talk about VHS anymore? No. So fuck you Internet, drop dead. I'm quitting your old lame ass.

I'm moving FORWARD! fuck it.. I'm moving BACK!

I'm going to actually mail letters.. not electronically.

there is no better surprise than getting a real written letter from a friend or family member. But it can't be a Christmas or birthday letter. That shit is too generic now. Now we EXPECT a damn letter. that's how much the Internet has changed things..

IF I don't that letter from Grandma for my birthday.. I'm fucking call it off with her. I swear to god.

The average person now mails, on average, 1.8 letters a year. Now.. me? I have never mailed a fucking letter in years...

Can I hear a round of applause from anyone who has actually mailed a letter this year?

(if no nobody cheers, or just one or two)
EXACTLY

(if more then two or three people clap)

LIARS!

But you know, getting a letter. There is something about it, it's the best feeling in the world. It has your name on the front.. Mr. Bradley Mac. Awwww that's not junk mail, they know my nickname! You read your friends name and address written in the top corner there.. aww.. you open it up... you read

Dear Brad

how are you old friend? It was been way to long since....

thats when I start fucking balling my eyes out. I cant help it! One and a half sentences in.. i start crying. its the nicest fucking thing someone can do... As long as the letter doesn't start off like..

Ok.. so I hope your sitting down..

or

remember that HIV test i made you take a while ago?

you're in the clear. If its not a 'Im sorry I have to tell you this letter' than its just a 'how are you? I miss you' letter.

And that is amazing.

So if you love, or miss someone... write them a letter and tell them, because if they are like me... they will call you weeping like a little boy to thank you for your wonderful letter... and nothing is better than that.


-------

Yeah.. so it's alright. I like it because I can use pretty much any fake news story I want in the middle, so I can keep it up to date. Plus it's always good to tell the crowd your a sensitive man, because there is nothing funnier than a dude on stage making fun of himself and being honest.

I'll write a blog soon updating things in my world over here. Not much has changed.
I have been looking into schools, other then SCTV., which im still planning to attend no matter what. For whatever reason, Ive been looking into some TV Broadcasting courses at Ryerson Uni. and Humber college. Nothing may come from it, but who knows.

Hope everyone is well. God Bless.

Garbage Mountain

Hello to all you sports fans.

How are you? Good, good.

I was awoke this morning by another crazy thunder storm. I mailed a letter to the city, demanding that the loud thunder showers be stopped. I'm trying to freaking sleep here. Ok, maybe I didn't do that. When was the last time anyone actually mailed a letter?

It was a humid night last night, hence the thunder showers, and I had trouble sleeping. I'm one of those sleepers that loves to have a blanket, even though it may be much too hot to justify it. Last night was one of those nights. I was sleeping away with a giant fleece blanket over me, just fucking dieing of heat. I woke up and thought to myself, what the fuck am I doing? I gently placed my beloved blanket beside the bed. (I tossed the mother fucker as far as I could). But then I couldn't get to sleep again, because I had no blanket. F me. I made it. Tough life, tough life.

I am going to see Alice in Chains in September. My friend Cliff T is coming out, (and hopefully Cat) ALL the way from Vancouver just to visit and see AIC. I'm super excited. I have a cool surprise for them. I would tell you what it is, but those ass holes might be reading this.. so for now we all have to wait. Sorry.

For those who haven't heard, Toronto is now over two weeks into a 'City worker' strike. From what I can tell, 'city worker' is a nice term for Garbage man. So, that means that all the garbage from all the people (Toronto really isn't that big), is just sitting around, trying not to stink. FAIL. Now, I'm not a microbiologist, but when you take an endless supply of bags, stuffed full of rotting shit, and you add in two weeks of summer heat, you get......... (drum roll please).............. A REALLY DIRTY SMELLY PILE OF SHIT. And its not just one Pile. Throughout Toronto there are fenced off "garbage drop off areas". This is where the average family has to go and drop off the weeks left overs. Nothing says family fun like hauling your own remains to the local 'drop off'. The kids love it! Where is jimmy? JIMMY? Oh.... there he is, he's just playing over there on Garbage Mountain. "Jimmy! Don't eat that!" Kids grow up so fast these days.

The garbage cans that line the street are oddly enough, full. They were full two days into the strike. Now its getting brutal. The idea of a garbage can is totally thrown out the window when you can NO LONGER SEE THE CAN! Its a pile a shit with a metal bin near the middle somewhere. That's not right. The streets are covered in garbage. It's gross. The worst part is, the stuff causing the worst mess is the news papers, empty water bottles, and cans. Now, in the fine city of Vancouver, the homeless collect cans and bottles like it's going out of style. It think they have to sign a wavier before they can become a hobo that says they must try and collect cans at ALL TIMES no matter what. Every thirty seconds, a hobo goes through a garbage can in the downtown core. Its a fact. I like it, because at least I know that there isn't one mother fucking bottle or can that isn't recycled in Vancouver. Obviously, it's the only real source of income for these people, other then being a whore, which does pay better but is a little more on the desperate side. Now, my point is, how could all these cans and bottles just be blowing around the city of Toronto? Does Ontario not give you the 5 cents for returning a can? A Vancouver hobo would have a fucking stroke if he saw all this shit up for grabs here. Five cents is five cents, but I swear one could make a killing these days just collecting cans. Maybe one day, I will be desperate enough to consider such an act.

Ok, I gotta go take out the trash (throw it off my balcony). Talk to you later.

More Q and A

Well, it's Saturday night, so you know what that means. Nothing. I'm sitting here doing nothing. And i love it.

It's time for a little Questions and Answers. You emailed them, and now I'm Responding.

Here we go. Most of these are the FAQ (Frequently asked questions for all you non virgins).


Q: I hear your new place does not have a bed. How is the pull out couch? Is it comfortable?

A: Oh heavens no. The pull out couch is pretty much a bunch of pointy metal under a two inch piece of foam. It is held together by metal wires, not exactly sleep country Canada.

Q: Where do you sleep then if not on the pull out, on the couch itself?

A: Oh heavens no. The actual couch is too short, its like a couch love seat hybrid, but shittier. I sleep on the floor on the two inch piece of foam i mentioned earlier.

Q: Don't you feel like a retard sleeping on the floor of your apartment on a piece of foam?

A: Yes.

Q: Is the couch itself at least comfortable to sit on as you watch TV.

A: No and I don't have a TV, which brings up an interesting question. When a normal person sits on a couch, they have some sort of other activity going on to pass the time, IE watching TV. When you have nothing to do, sitting on a couch is rather boring. My couch faces the wall about 8 feet across from me. The wall is white and bare and not nearly interesting enough to warrant a couch.

Q: You seem agitated that you have no TV, why don't you go buy one?

A: Shut up.

Q: How long did it take the rogers cable guy to hook up your Internet?

A: 4 minutes 27 seconds. It was amazing.

Q: Seeing how your apartment is the average size of a shoe box, why did you pay more to get a wireless router when the regular set up would've worked just fine?

A: Fuck you.

Q: What did you buy at the dollar store today?

A: I'm glad you asked. Two dinner plates, two wine, pint and rocks glasses, three shot glasses, two normal drinking glasses, three spoons, two forks, three butter knives, four steak knives, a seven inch chef knife, a spatula, tongs, a ladle, a blue salad bowl, two blue cereal bowls, a loaf of bread, two picture frames, a paper towel holder, a can opener, scissors, a small frying pan, two bars of soap, two packs of gum, a can of ice tea, a blank 'certificate of excellence' diploma (ill fill in some cool shit later), a small cement statue (I call him Monty), 10 tea candles, TP, a TP holder, shampoo, hand soap,(don't ever try washing anything but your hands with hand soap. I saw a dude start washing dishes with hand soap one time and shit it the fan. It was fucked) celery salt, steak spice, dawn DISH soap, two tea towels, an oven mitt, a wine opener, a pizza cutter, a can of "Max" body spray which is a shitty knock off of axe, four double AA batteries, a bathroom 'air freshener' (for the ladies), two plastic zip lock containers, four dish scrubbing pads, plastic wrap, and two medium tip pens.

Q: How much did you spend of the dollar store today?

A: $74.

Q: Were you completely fucking blow away by all the cool cheap shit that they had, which was absolutely perfect for a guy like yourself, who had all but two bags of luggage when he moved?

A: Yes.

Q: Do you think you'll ever go back to the dollar store?

A: Tomorrow.

Q: How many bugs have you killed so far while typing all of this?

A: Two, and a little under a half. Most of him got away.

Q: That's fucking gross

A: That's not a question

Q: Did you talk to the landlord about it?

A: Yes, he told me to buy the bug killer stuff and he will reimburse me.

Q: Did that satisfy you?

A: No. A place with out silver fish would satisfy me.

Q: Did you get 'cold water' in the shower situation sorted out?

A: Landlord said he'd send a guy Friday to take a look.

Q: What day is it now?

A: Saturday.

Q: Is that a long time to go only having burning hot scolding water to shower in?

A: Fuck you.

Q: How many cans of Arizona green tea are in your apartment right now?

A: 4. All empties.



That is all questions I have time for today. Keep sending them if you wish, my email is DropdeadSmokinHotUppityHooker@PleaseDon'tEmailMe.com.

Cheers.

Helllo

Hey all. Sorry for the lack of posts (Dylan told me to go fuck myself) I have been busy moving and such, and I just got the internet set up yesterday. But I'm back up and running! (more like a brisk jog)

here are some questions you may be asking yourself about me.

Do you have a job?

No.

Have you looked for a job?

Kinda. ok... no.

How do you plan on making money?

Shut up.

Does your apartment have a minor insect problem?

Yes, thank you for asking.

Do the hallways in your apartment smell like a combo of death, cigarettes, curry and urine?

Yes, thank you for asking.

Do you have any other funny/cute things about your apartment that you want to share?

Yes, yes i do. I tried to have a shower and found that the COLD water does not work. It works in the sink, and in the kitchen, but if I want to have a shower without burning the shit out of the myself, I'm completely fucked. And just so you know, I spelled completely correct on the first try, both times. That's pretty good for a guy like me. This is coming from a guy that, when he spells Because, he repeats; Bears Eat Candy And Usually Swallow Everything.

haha, ok I may be back later today with some good stuff for you.

Stay tuned, more to come.