BACK IN BLACK

Hello sports fans!

It's hard to believe that its almost the middle of October. The weather is starting to get cold everywhere. Snow in Edmonton, Calgary, Winnipeg. Guess who is next? Fuck.

Possible snow later next week in the forecast. Here we go!

I think I am pretty much ready for the cold season. I do need to find a toque, and some good warm boots. It seems like last month I was having trouble sleeping cause It was too hot, now its fucking snowing. Damn you, God.

My Landlord did this yearly inspection of all the apartments in the building the other day. Mine is still shitty. I got a notice saying this was going to happen, something about a safety inspection, smoke detector/monoxide bullshit. So it said on the notice that he would come between 9am-4pm, and since I'm on the top floor, I figure he'll be around in the afternoon sometime. So I set my alarm for 10am, thinking that will give me time to get up and clean a little, and make sure the apartment looked landlord worthy. 9:03am I awake to a loud banging on my door. I bolt up from my bed like I had been shot. FUCK. I immediately know what's going on. In my head I say, Landlord here. Didn't clean. Put on pants. So I do, and open the door. Landlord and his assistant walk into my place. His assistant dude lives in the building, I always see him working inside or outside the place. He is tall and really skinny with a mustache and has his hair pulled back into a small pony tale, and he smokes like an '83 dodge caravan. He looks like a criminal and has the worst B.O. I have ever smelt. I swear to fucking god the other day he was cutting the grass outside (as oppose to inside?) .. he was cutting the grass oustide while I was coming home from the store. At this point, I couldn't actually see him, but obviously could here the mower. As I walk closer to the building, it hit me. The BO of a life time. I could smell his stinky ass 20 feet away. I could literally smell him before I could him. That's really bad fucking sign. Normally when someone cuts the grass, the air has a nice fresh crisp garden smell. Not this time, no way. This was rampant BO. It overpowered nature. It's bad man, really bad. And it's ALWAYS bad.

Anyways, the two walk into my place, and my landlord looks around and asks me where my smoke detector is. How the fuck do I know? This shit hole didn't have one when I got here, and judging by the many burn holes and black spots on the repulsive pink carpet, there hasn't been one in here for a while. So B.O. boy reached up to the ceiling and installs the fuckin smoke detector while at the same time raising his arms higher then the BO containment rules regulate. They made random quick small talk and left. The whole thing took about 30 seconds, tops. The BO hovered for about 20 minutes.

Now, I don't mind the safety of a smoke detector. I don't smoke, so it really doesn't bother me. The guy below me however must hate his life (or just took the batteries out of the thing) cause he smokes a lot. Every ten minutes I have the pleasure of smelling and breathing his second hand smoke as comes in from my luxury sliding patio door from below. (Why don't you just shut the door then, Brad?) Fuck you. Ok, back to the point, smoke detector. So it's later on, about 1 am now. Yes, I am a night owl. It's 1am and I'm feeling like dinner. Yes, I am a night owl. So I look through my stunning, spacious, solid oak cabinets for a suitable meal. I find three packs of Mr. Noodles, some tinfoil, and half a bag of salty stale soup crackers. Not exactly Emeril Lagasse over here.

So I put the water to boil to cook Mr.Noodles (chicken), and about 5 minutes later, you guessed it. Smoke detector. DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE...... Did I mention its just past 1am? I start huffin' and puffin' and the bloody thing finally stops.

Two minutes later.

DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE

You see, my oven does not have a fan or vent above it like it should. Not exactly a Mike Holmes design. So when I cook something, the smoke and steam just fucking party it up until Mr. Smoke or Steam detector says other ways.

After the second time the bloody thing went off I stood on the edge of the couch, ripped that fucker off the ceiling took out the batteries and called it a day.

Who need a smoke detector anyways? I'm on the fourth floor mother fucker, I'll be fine.